Pairing: Kangin x HanKyun
Rating: PG...for now?
Summary: "It's all so wrong! It's not you."
Additional Notes: Written in both boys' POV. Kangin, Hankyung, Kangin, ect.
I'm not completely happy with this chapter...I re-wrote it due to not being happy with it, but now I'm still not satisfied. I figure I should put this up now, though, before I ruin it even more. Xx;; Sorry!
“I've only memories of happiness,
Such pleasure we have shared,
I'd do it all again,”
I can just barely hear him speaking to me. I’m not meaning to ignore him but I just can’t seem to stay very focused on whatever it is he’s trying to say to me. So far, I’ve picked up the words, ’happy you’re back’, ‘listening’, and ‘Korea’. My heart has started pumping a little faster now. I hope that every time someone mentions that place, it won’t hurt like this. It has been often, but I really hope it stops soon. If not, then I’m in for a lot of heartache.
I face him, studying his face for a moment and comparing it to yours. I’m picking away at his features, finding everything wrong, wrong, wrong; For one, his eyes are a couple shades too light and a little too far apart. Not to mention their shape is much different. His nose is a bit longer and sharper than yours and it also turns upwards a little. The hair is all wrong. It grazes his shoulders and his has a girly fringe, which I find ridiculous because your hair never was styled in such a way. Everything; eyes, nose, hair, mouth, even the shape of his face and body. It’s all so wrong! It’s not you.
I cant’ take looking at him any longer and I flip my body over on the other side, curling up like a baby and frowning because I might not be able to keep my tears back. Yes, that was probably pretty rude, but I don’t care. “Geng, are you ok?” I hear him ask, his voice holding an annoying amount of concern. That’s another thing that is too different; his voice. It’s not deep enough.
“Yeah, I’m just…sleepy.” I lie. I hear him scooting away just a little bit, giving me some more space as he answers with an ‘alright’. I shut my eyes tight, feeling a scorching pain run through my veins and chest. I don’t want to be here. I want to be back in Korea. I want to be back with you. I want nothing more than to just get up and leave Shen here by himself because I honestly, truly don’t want to be with him. Puppy love in grade school was one thing, but now it’s different. Now these are real adult feelings and he loves me, but I can’t bring myself to return my feelings of love to him because they still belong to you.
The happy memories of us together… I want to make more. Thousands more -- no, millions. The kind where you would give me rides on your back down the empty blue streets at night, twirling around real fast, trying to make me dizzy. However, you seemed to forget I was a dancer and you ended up stumbling around the dark sidewalk, almost falling over.
The kind where we’d bake birthday cakes for the other members together, and it would always result in us getting in a big flour and icing fight. You had a spoon while I chose a spatula for my weapon. We’d always find creative ways to get the sweet paste off of each other’s skin, too.
The kind were I’d try to teach you some Chinese but you couldn’t get the hang of it and always spoke real slow and carefully. You still messed up all the words, but you would ask with a hopeful gleam in your eyes, ‘Did I do it, Hannie?’ Your Korean accent was so cute, too.
Or we could make more memories in our park. It was full of beautiful trees and flowers, old style benches, and beautifully paved paths, I remember. We always spent our sunny days there.
It had a beautiful crystal-clear creek, too. The creek was pretty deep, and you’d always assure me that the water wasn’t too cold. You’d take your shoes and socks off and roll up your pant legs and dip your feet in the water to prove it. ’It’s so refreshing! C’mon!’ you’d say. Foolishly, I’d go down the bank to test the water myself and you’d grab me around the waist and toss me in. I’m getting goose bumps just thinking about the freezing water. So many wonderful memories were made there, including our confessions and first kiss.
However, it’s hard for me to go back now. All of the shit we went through and all of the words that were exchanged. I sensed that your feelings for me were starting to change. You blamed it on stress and I believe it for the longest time, but after a certain point, I told myself that it wasn’t stress anymore. I was going to suggest counselling because if it was me that was putting you off, I wanted to change whatever it was right away, but then the biggest blow; photographs in the paper. You and I locked together in a deep passionate kiss, I remember seeing it for the first time on the internet. I stared at the screen, shocked and crying because I knew that the photos were real.
Then rumours that weren’t exactly false started to fly and the anti’s stepped in, and so did the hurt, angry fans. We tried to cover it up the best we could, announcing that we were filming. Some believed us, most didn’t. After all, actions speak louder than words do and even though we’re famous singers, our stories would go unheard.
We would receive phone calls, e-mails, even people showing up outside of the home. All of the pressure made us both crumble. It was all too much.
I’m still getting harassed by the Chinese fans, my peers and worst of all, my parents. I’d still like to know how those picture surfaced, though. What kind of celebrity hound is out in the streets at two thirty in the morning with his camera? Did he just know that we were going to be out there? I don’t understand.
Afterwards, we fought all the time. Yelling, screaming, false accusations about many ridiculous things, verbal fights that resulted in you losing your temper and breaking things. Those moments always scared me the most. You ignored me most of the time then and you went out quite often, not giving much detail as to where exactly you were headed. Whenever you weren’t around I cried so hard. I cried until there were no more tears left in my eyes, until my throat was sore and dry, until my body hit the floor. I didn’t have any strength left and it felt like there was nothing I could do.
The night you came home and crawled into bed smelling of foreign cologne, I knew I had lost you. As you fell into a deep sleep, back facing me, I bit my lip and the tears stained my pillow.
I need to put those memories back behind that locked door again and never let them out. Hopefully in time it will wither away and I can get the courage to go back to you or at least call you sometime. I know you still love me and I know now that you’re sorry. Perhaps this painful distance has done some good to us both.
Now that I think about it, even though there were those few awful times, I’d do it all again for the special times with you.
“This scenery is Evergreen,
As buds turn into leaves
the colours live and breathe,
This scenery is Evergreen,
Your tears are falling silently”
Coming out of my gloomy daze, I lift my head; a little disappointed to see darker clouds in the distance. I hope they’re not headed this way. It’ll ruin my mood even more and turn my good memories into my worst memory. I decide not to look that way any more and I focus on the direction the tall green grass is blowing. It looks like each fragile strand is dancing and it reminds me of you even more; a beautiful Chinese dancer, dancing so naturally like the grass or the leaves in the breeze. I can’t help it. You’re absolutely everywhere; every little thing still reminds me of you.
I remember visiting the park the most. It was ‘our little thing’. We were there together on almost every sunny day; holding hands and dancing to our own tune in the middle of the paths. You always made that place ten times more beautiful. The vibrant shades of the flowers’ petals stood out against the green grass, the bright blue sky seemed so much brighter, and the creek’s water glistened and danced. I remember I’d push you in the creek because I know how much you hate cold water. I was such a caring boyfriend, I know, but it meant I got to warm you up afterwards. You always swore at me with chattering teeth as you sent an evil glare my way and you promised that you’d get me back; you’d push me in and hold me underwater until I drowned and floated all the way down stream. I let out a small chuckle at the thought, because you never ever did get me in the water.
We shared our first kiss in that park. Everything was perfect; the weather, the atmosphere, everything. I wish I had a video clip of it because it really was beautiful. It was something right out of one of those sappy movies or romance novels, I swear.
We were drifting about the little park, talking about this and that. All of the flowers and trees were in bloom, as it was Spring, so the air smelled sweet and fresh. I started to blush when you stumbled and grabbed my arm to support yourself. Your touch set my nerves on fire. I loved you so much and I wanted you to be mine.
Growing tired of walking, we sat on the bench in front of the creek. Neither one of us spoke for the longest time. We simply listened to the gently flow of the creek and the soft chirping of the little song birds in the tree nearby. I remember sneaking a glance over at you. You smiled secretly to yourself, hunched over and resting on your elbows on your legs, staring down at either the pavement or your feet. You seemed distracted and I was glad. It meant my eyes could rest on you just a bit longer.
Your long dark hair crept out of the bottom of your beanie, and some veiled the side of your face but that was fine. I had already memorized everything. I still wanted to move it, though. I wanted to touch it, to run my fingers through it, to smell it. I wanted that, as well as every other part of you, to be mine.
When you looked up at me so suddenly, I realized that my mouth was slightly ajar. I remember my cheeks starting to burn with a pink tint as your eyes met mine and I stared into your lively brown eyes. It was so embarrassing having you catch me stare at you like that. I looked away fast, trying to play ‘cool’. It was so funny how I acted around you; I was flustered, goofy, and totally un-cool. With past girls that I liked, I acted the same I always did; loud, and full of jokes and affection. I wasn’t brave enough to even give you a simple high-five. That’s how I knew you were something special.
‘Kangin,’ I heard your voice call to me and I couldn’t help but raise my head to look at you. A soft smile on your soft lips, you cocked your head to the side cutely, ‘What’s wrong with you? Is it the heat?’ It was some kind of heat, but not the sun like you thought. I felt your hand on my thigh and I shifted away from your touch. This brought on another touch and I closed my eyes, praying you would either stop and remove your hand or move your hand a little higher. ‘Kangin…’
I battled with my brain and my heart, trying to decided if I should tell you my feelings or not. It was a silent ten minute long battle before I reminded myself that I didn’t want to live my life with any regrets. If I told you and you rejected me, I might have regretted it for a little while and been hurt but if I were to keep my mouth shut and something happened to you and I was never able to tell you, I would’ve regretted it for my whole life. That would’ve hurt so much more.
With my brain shutting down and my heart taking over, I took your hands in mine and looked into your eyes, placing one of your hands over my heart, which was beating madly. ‘Hankyung…’ I had never heard such a determined and serious voice come out of my mouth before. It scared me. ‘Do you feel that?’ I asked you seriously, although it was a stupid question really, because I’m sure people in your home country could’ve felt it. Your eyes opened wide and you turned your body towards me, ‘Kangin! What’s wrong with your heart? Are you going to have a heart attack or something?’ It was a serious question you asked in slightly broken Korean, and I couldn’t help but smile at you. ‘No, I’m not…’ I assured you. You just raised an eyebrow at me and continued to stare at me, obviously waiting my explanation.
‘It’s been beating your name for quite some time now. When you’re around, it always feels like this. I love you, I don’t care if you don’t feel the same about me, as long as I can always have this feeling of love for you and have you be at least a little bit ok with that. Please don’t freak out, Hannie. If you want me to leave and give you space, I’ll gladly do so, please just…know that I love you and I have for quite a while. My feelings for you are genuine. I…’ I couldn’t finish what I had planned in my head and before my brain fart, I couldn‘t shut up. My mind was starting to turn back on and everything started getting foggy. I felt as if I was making the biggest idiot out of my self.
I sat in anticipation, waiting for you to respond. I let go of your hands but your one hand still stayed attached to my chest. The look you were giving me frightened me so much. You were shocked, I’m sure, and I didn’t blame you. A few seconds later, I could see your jaw clenched and tears starting to fill in the bottoms of your eyes. I panicked, I thought you were going to hit me or something. I got up and tried to walk away but you grabbed my wrist, preventing me from moving very far. I really was about to have a heart attack then. I was about to tell you to get your cell phone ready in case 911 had to be called.
You stood up slowly and stared at me with glossy eyes and I watched as a tear rolled down your cheek. You were picking me apart, staring into me, and I couldn’t do anything but watch you. I didn’t know if it was safe to speak or not, but as usual, I acted before I thought. ‘Listen, Hankyung, I’m not sorry because this is just how I feel and I can‘t--’ I wasn’t able to finish my sentence, because you swiftly threw your arms around my neck and pressed your lips against mine.
My heart stopped and so did the time. All I knew was that you were kissing me; you had accepted me. It didn’t take me too long to get over the shock and my hands took hold of your waist, pulling you as close as I could to me. Finally, I remembered how to work my lips and then they moved back against yours. Your supple lips had a minty flavour to them, adding to your own unique taste. It was delicious.
You broke the kiss to wipe the tears from your eye that could not stop flowing and kissed me again. We stayed like that for an unknown amount of time. I said no more until we started to walk back home and neither did you. You didn’t need to, though. Your loving smile and silent tears said everything.
I wipe my eyes but more tears squeeze their way out. I can’t believe that was almost a year and a half ago. I can’t believe how long we were together. I can’t believe the shit we went through and I can‘t believe my childish behavior. You told me during one of our many fights that I was acting like a five year old and then you blurted out that I was cheating on you. There is an explanation behind what I did, though not a very good one. There is no good reason to be unfaithful to your lover, not even for one minute, no matter how confused you are and no matter how much you're hurting. When I started to explain, you backed up against the wall like a helpless, cornered animal and you demanded that I leave. I never got to explain properly. It might’ve been a stupid thing to leave you alone, but I obeyed simply because the sound of your weak tear-filled voice was far too much for me to handle.
I know I made the biggest mistake of my life. I wish I could have you back or at least the chance to tell you what really happened and no matter what, even through everything that had happen, I still love you so fucking much.